Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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