____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
