My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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