Me. At least after what I've been through.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
