you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
