Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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