On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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