Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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