wakey wakey hands off snakey
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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