everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The best revenge is premature balding
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
