still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
