M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I need water and some morals
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
