but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
