I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
