I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize