at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
