Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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