I met the friendliest cop last night
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize