My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
