Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Watching her eat just hurts me
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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