Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
