so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
