I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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