My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
