Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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