I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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