the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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