it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize