I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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