At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
