for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
3 2 1 whiskey
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize