woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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