I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
