my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
