I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
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