Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
