Umm I'm too high to move.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
