he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize