we have pet lesbian snakes
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
