I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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