I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
