New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
