You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
