How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize