It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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