he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
