I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
