K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
