I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
