: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
