imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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