I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
