shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
