Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
