I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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