In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
